It's a Trap!

Dear Kids,

At some point in your life, someone is going to toss you this little gem of a phrase:

“Don’t get defensive.”

The moment they say it, you’re in a corner you never wanted to be in.

If you respond with anything, you’re proving their point. If you stay quiet, you’re rolling over. It’s a no-win situation, and that’s the intent.

And that phrase has friends, too.

There is a whole magic bag of these conversational straight jackets that people use. They sound calm. They sound polite. They sound like they were written on a lame poster for good communication.

They are not.

Here are a few to watch for:

“Calm down.”
If anyone, in the entirety of human history has ever calmed down after being told to calm down, please let me know. That is not how emotions work.

“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
Translation: I’m about to say something clumsy or harsh and I’m doing the absolute bare minimum to not sound like a complete asshole. What comes next is almost always guaranteed to land “the wrong way.”

“Relax, can’t you take a joke?”
Usually said by people who are not known for making jokes. Or at least, very good ones.

Here’s the real point, gang.

You do not have to sprint through a conversation you didn’t agree to.
You do not have to accept the framework someone drops on you.
And you definitely don’t have to engage in someone else’s dysfunctional Fun House just because they packaged it in a polite tone.

It is always okay to ask for clarity.
It is always okay to slow things down- you don’t get bonus points for quick responses.
It is always okay to pause and check what someone really means.

The truth is, most traps only work if you rush.
Most traps rely on you reacting before you understand what is happening.

Take your time.
Ask the extra question and find your footing.
Make sure the frame fits before you step inside it.

Love you more than you’ll ever know,

Dad

P.S.

If this letter landed with you, would you forward it to someone who you think would like it too?

This letter is original work from The Unfinished Dad (© 2025). Feel free to share it, quote it, or forward it; just please credit the source and don’t present it as your own.